Laughter! :)

• I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends with the entire world and unfriend people one by one

• I want to take one of those English as a Second Language courses - just go in and blow everybody away on the first day.

•  My divorce was messy because there was a child involved. My husband.

• I got busted for plagiarism at university. the lecturer said that I copied my essay straight off the Internet. It's a bit hard to talk your way out of that kind of thing when halfway down the first page of your essay it says, "Click Here For More Information."

• My girlfriend is a vegetarian. She said that I'm not real animal lover, because I eat meat, and that if I loved animals. I would only eat lettuce, vegetables, and grains. I said, "If you really loved animals, you'd stop eating all their food"

• What separater us  from all other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaner. 

 

• Don't tell me you have a chocolate lab if you're just taling about a kind of a dog.

 

• Sometimes when I'm depressed, I get a pregnancy test so I can say, "Well, at least I'm not pregnant."

 

• I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

• Researches have developed a "red wine pill" that gives all the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. It's called a grape.

•  A customer brought her car into our dealership complaining of rattling noises. Later, the technician said the problem was no big deal. "Just a case of CTIP."    "What's that?" I enquired.    "Customer Thinks It's a Porsche."